38 St. John's Street
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About: "What you share with this world is what it keeps of you."

Personal Blog     

rock a bye

i am ashamed of how much i love myself
i am ashamed of how much i don’t love myself
i can’t understand why i feel both just as i can’t help
but lean into my mother’s hand as she tucks me into her side
and pulls the hair from my neck even though it is a comfort
i don’t feel i deserve i am so scared that i am meant to be a mother
not because i am bad at making sack lunches or doing laundry
or rocking babies until they fall asleep but because i can’t imagine
bringing another life into this world when i still have nights
that might never become mornings how could i teach my daughter
about the love she deserves if i haven’t yet learned that lesson myself
it helps to talk it out to do nice things to clean to go through the motions
and pretend to be like everyone else but at the end of the day 
i remember the arms of my grandfather and his frail skin
the way cuts and bruises just appear as if the simple act of living
is tearing him apart i am not old but i feel just as paper thin
at any moment i might rip myself to pieces and fly away on the wind
like dandelions like a birthday wish like smoke though red lips
slipping though life on tiptoes never having to confront myself in a mirror
and say i love you i do i want to spend the rest of my life with you i you i
we are trapped in a failed marriage unwilling to commit to a divorce-
all of this just to say it is hard to fall asleep night after night
to a soundtrack of whispered doubts but somehow, unbelievably so,
i want to be a mother in spite of all that because maybe just maybe
in holding my daughter like my mother loved, loves me 
without shame without fear without strings without tears i will learn
to cradle all my sad parts through the nightmares learn to tuck myself in
after bad days learn to love myself unconditionally
the way i’m meant to be


little brother, you are turning turning eighteen in two days
which is crazy and baffling and incredibly surreal
in spite of that i want to give you advice you probably
have heard before, but bear with me
be strong and believe in yourself
read the news every once in a while but do not think too much
about the world and why we are here late at night
try not to go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink
they only get harder to clean
lock your doors at night but leave your windows open
moonlight brings the best dreams
meet new people but remember
the person you should know best is yourself
never laugh at jokes where people are the punchline
you may as well have just punched them and speaking of
beware the hunch punch people brew in bathtubs
don’t apologize for your passions
create a habit of being punctual
and always tip your waitress
i know the road to get to where you are has been an uphill battle
but you did it you climbed a mountain most people can’t comprehend
and pookey, david, this is the important part, so if nothing else
remember this- when everything becomes too hard to bear
when you feel like there is nothing else left for you 
when you want to tear yourself apart and be someone else
know that there will be a time when that pain is just a memory
when that struggle will just be a mountain you have climbed
know that your capacity to persevere is only surpassed
by your capacity to love and create
know that there will be people whose lives are made brighter by you
and your smile and your very impressive muscles
know that you will always have a home and a family that loves you
know that you are strong, and believe in yourself

fine print

i told you that you’re dangerous that you’re addicting
that it is hard to leave you in soft not quite daylight but
i never said why it is i am scared of you maybe
maybe it is because staying too long will make me forget
how to be on my own how to spend nights alone but not lonely
how to make meals for two and be okay with leftovers
how to hold my hair back on bad nights how to nurse my wounds
and how to stop making them it is so hard to hold the weight of my scars
when you’re holding my hands and it would be so easy
to let your shoulders bear my world let your arms carry my heart
you would make a great atlas a great map when so often
i get lost in my thoughts but how long can i make u turn
after u turn after u turn until you turn into something
someone i can’t do without this sounds like a problem with
an easy answer let go and you’ll catch me but the thing is
when i say your name i can already hear the ones that come after
when i look into your eyes i can’t remember what color they are
when i think about my future family you aren’t there
on Christmas morning i am afraid of you and your strong arms
and your fragile feelings because i know even if you don’t
that you deserve more than me and my greedy heart
i am afraid i will use you tear you apart in an attempt
to piece myself back together listen to me
when i say you should be with someone who loves you for you
not as filling or glue between the cracks not as my plan b
or substitute or fall back don’t listen when i say i need you i need you
i’ll need maybe more than you do maybe more than i like you
maybe less than you like me you like me and i am dangerous
because despite all that needing i have this terrible, sinking feeling
that the someone i need might not be you and i’m so sorry
to put you through this long drawn out case of mistaken identity
the process of acquiring new credit cards, ids, passwords and sheets
but isn’t it better to find out now than to wake up one morning years later
with nothing more than your dearly beloved, dangerous stranger


tonight it is all i can do to fall asleep a little too late
                                                    and breathe
and remember that you said you could see the glow of my body next to yours even with the lights off
                                       and breathe
and remember that its a good thing that you were looking at my body
                                              and breathe
and think about all the words i haven’t said to you yet
                             and breathe
and tomorrow it may be all i can do to go into work
                                                          and breathe
and avoid folding my laundry for the third week in a row
                                          and breathe
and remind myself that small things can be big things too
                                       and breathe
and if i just want to do small things with my life that’s okay
                                                   and breathe
and maybe this week i’ll work up the courage to return that library book
i rented back in january
                              and breathe
and maybe i’ll send you that card that i’ve been keeping my glove box
                                            and breathe
but maybe instead i’ll just catch up on my tv shows and clean my bathroom
and eat lukewarm leftovers because i was too lazy to put them back in the microwave
because i am learning that any story can be a success story
that the definition of accomplishment is not winning
and i am getting so tired of losing to myself
i am not saying every day will not be a battle just that maybe
i am finally on the right side
          and breathe


i am forever leaving you, a long drawn out farewell
moving from bedroom to doorway to driveway
to dropping pieces of myself like breadcrumbs
on the way back to my apartment like that
might keep me closer to you in the meantime
but when i come home all i see
is an empty doorway, an empty bed
i am empty too, waiting to pick up my pieces
and find myself on the road back to you

to do

let’s kiss until your laundry detergent smells like home
let’s share shampoo and toothpaste and socks 
let’s hold hands until the space between my fingers
grows galaxies under your touch
let’s touch until we can play each other’s bodies from memory i want to be
a song you never forget that sits just on the tip of your tongue never sung
because you don’t do that, much
let’s make endless dinners in my kitchen at ten pm because really
who eats before ten anyway 
let’s make endless love in your bed until we both have to leave for work
late and bruised but smiling steady on wobbly legs
let’s exchange numbers and see where this goes who knows
we may end up somewhere we like
let’s kiss goodbye like it’s only a matter of time
before our next hello

Anonymous asked: Are you single lol? I'm shy

hello, no need to be shy. (: though i am seeing someone right now. 


dreams of tattooed limbs and hipbones
lower backs and sides and chests i’ve never seen
but have imagined i pressed my lips against your skin
as though i could reach the ink within
i want to be marked by you now, tonight, forever
the memory of us together etched permanently
as though we could forget 
i will remember you until you are a part of me
full body color please, close your eyes and breathe

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